Jacob...rest in eternal loving peace...

It is with broken heart that I announce that Jacob, my dearest friend of 13 years and icon cat of 5, passed away the morning of September 29 2008. He was 15 years old.

He first came into my life from a friend of my sister who could no longer keep him because of a new apartment residence. I had another cat at the time and he was first welcomed by loud hissing and growling. I remember his response of simply ignoring the other cat, walking past and immediately claiming my house his own. His was definitely a quirky nonchalant persona which often resulted in me messing with him to break past this stoic demeanor to provoke reaction.

In 1998 or so, he somehow escaped the house and went missing. I searched everywhere but after one month, I considered him lost forever. I still remember vividly the summer day two months after he disappeared when a mangy black cat scurried past my house on the street...a somewhat familiar one. I called out his name and he stopped, staring for a long moment before running up to me meowing loudly. Since then, he never left my side.

In the recent months, he was diagnosed with hyperactive thyroidism with possible heart disease and was prone to heavy fluid buildup in his lungs. He fought hard to stay with us, dealing with countless tests, lung stints, minor operations and bothersome medications. His final days were difficult to witness as he was no longer was the spirited feline he once was, mostly laying still unmoving with hindered breathing with no appetite. I weighed heavily the guilty thought of taking his fate into my own hands. On his final morning, he raised his head to greet me from his favored sleeping spot and I spent an extra long personal moment with him before I left for work. Within a few hours afterwards, I received a call that he went peacefully in his sleep...as I prayed he would within his home and amongst those who loved him most.

I already miss him dearly. I miss seeing his head in the window waiting for me to come home. I miss him greeting me at the door. I miss his shadowing me everywhere I went in the house. I miss him taking over my lap as soon as I sat in front of the computer. I miss him fetching me his favorite crinkle ball when he decided he wanted to play. I miss him purring contently next to me when I layed in bed to sleep. And I know I'll miss him being nosey while I'm shooting my art.

But I also know he is at peace.

He was cremated later that evening and part of his ashes will be spread amongst the flower bed he always overlooked outside his favorite window.

Be happy, free and forever loved, my dear friend...


(My first photo and thus my first model with my first digital camera in 2004)

Reset...

Although not many of you noticed, I disappeared. I disappeared within a one month sabbatical/retreat from life. It was a month of essentially nothing. An isolation I literally feared would tear at me. Torment. No cellphones, PDAs, computers, internet, radio, cable or any communication whatsoever. No junk foods, sodas, alcohol, nicotine, sweets or any other gluttonies. No sex (eep), no job, no schedules, no projects, no "gottas" and no "shoulds". I only read, wrote thoughts, discovered new beliefs, learned to meditate, slept when tired, cooked when hungry, ate simple foods, drank lots of water and generally cleansed the body and mind of old ways. And somewhere along the way, it became (and still is) the most spiritually inspiring moment of my life. A much needed and long overdue life "reset". At times, it was quite rough to give up basically everything in life, be alone and live somewhat like a monk, but it's a wonderful moment when you actually realize that you feel what life is truly about.

Now, coming back to the realities of here and now, I already feel the struggle to hold on to the path I discovered for myself, but I'm confident that I'll have a harmony of minimalist idealisms, life and art soon enough. Unfortunately, I'm not quite ready to "give it all away" and be truly free, but perhaps one day...

Life...death...rebirth...(in loving remembrance)

Today marks a special anniversary...an 10 year anniversary of life, death and rebirth...the beginning of what makes me who I am today...

- Prologue -

There was this sweet angel of a girl. Her name was Priya. A girl whose physical beauty was wonderfully complimented by the beauty of her inner light. A dear friend amongst a circle of close friends whom did many things together as a group. Clubs. Parties. Theatre. Festivals. Nearly everything. And everywhere she went, she always carried her shy closed-mouth smile.

But she had a flaw as beauty always does...two actually. A heroin addiction and a controlling boyfriend who nurtured it. Actually, it was an addiction to both that slowly created turmoil within the circle...and between us. I remember offering a quiet ear when she needed to express the conflict within...sometimes a shoulder for her pain-filled tears. However, in time comes the realization that you cannot help those who will not help themselves. And within that time, somehow, we parted ways.

Fast-forward six months. I was helping a new friend move into her new house. I remember vividly the beautiful sunny day when my cellphone rang. It was Priya. I listened as she told me her now ex-boyfriend became physically abusive...he was now in jail for possession...how she took back her life...and that she put herself through rehab. She has been clean for four months and needed positive people within her new path in life. And her first thought was of me. I knew this took much courage to do this...both rehab and the call. I told her how very proud I was of her and coincidentally, had an extra ticket to see "Everything But The Girl" that night and invited her.

The concert was amazing. We stood about ten feet from the stage and sang all our favorite songs. When the song "Missing" began to play, I asked her to dance...and we twirled as much as we could on the crowded concert floor. She later confessed that it was the first time she ever danced with anyone. We quickly became friends again. Having fun once again with me finding much joy seeing her within her new life. I was deeply proud of her. Deeply.

Then she disappeared. Without a word. After a couple weeks, and through her parents, I found her. The "ex" was released from jail, came back into her life...and brought with him the gift of her old addiction. I was angry. Disappointed. I felt betrayed. With much conviction, she told me how she loved him and couldn't leave him. I've heard this too many times before and know all too well its consequences. And we drifted apart once again.

Fast-forward two months. The next day was November 4...my birthday. I knew my friends were planning something sinister. And they didn't fail me. We literally took over the Magic Stick downtown as all my friends, close and casual, were there. We drank...played pool...bowled...and chummed together. At one point, amongst the countless shots and drinks, I was gang chased around the bar and held bent over on the pool table as some gave their complimentary spankings. It was literally the best birthday I've had in my entire life. Fun with a capital F-U-N! I was driven home around 4 or 5am and slept the next day away. Well, most of the day until the phone began ringing. I answered. It was Priya's mother. With her frail voice, she told me that the boyfriend was put back in jail again for drug possession a few days back. And last night, Priya, left alone in their apartment...took a gun...and ended her life...

.
.
.

- Epilogue -

As I lived within a year of painful guilt, blame and regret, I moved inwards. Explored. And discovered new ways of expressing what I felt, thought and lived. New artistic mediums beginning with poetry, then sculpture, photography and finally, a film script that I feel encompasses all the emotions, mediums and release of those darkened days.

Odd how one's death can become awakening for another. The end to become the beginning. But also, what a fitting tribute...to live, learn and grow from her life...and life itself. And through this, she lives eternally.



May your spirit find the peace that eluded it in life

O.o

Open thy heart and not thy eyes to see...

It's in this moment...

There is a small scene
Just a single moment
When throughout the chaos
Throughout the pain
That what you were always seeking
Wanting
Needing
Has been in front of you
All along the way

(From the final scene of the film Strange Days)

Lori Carson & Graeme Revell - Fall In The Light

It's in this moment
Hold on
When everything has come apart
It's in this moment
Right now
When it can come together
Raise your sights
What's there to lose?
Fall in the light
Fall in the light

In all this trouble
Hold on
To the innocence with which you were born
There's so much struggle
Be strong
Find the faith you need to carry on
It's a long night
You're not alone
Fall in the light
Fall in the light

Sweet air it falls into place
Sun through the haze
Doesn't it feel a little like grace

It's in this moment
Hold on
When everything has come apart
It's in this moment
Right now
When everything comes together
Raise your soul
What's there to lose
Fall in the light
Fall in the light
Fall in the light

(Hold on...and I will catch you)

Revelations...

I finally have a breath to do something within my blog that I told myself I wouldn't do...babble. I saw Cirque de Solei's Delirium last week and it left me...inspired...hopeful...at peace. Granted, it wasn't one of the better Cirque's, but about midway, I saw something amazing within the story subtly lying inside moving art and theatrics...myself. Where one often hovers over their own life...drowns within waves of memories...entangles within anguish and submits to hopelessness. But within this, there was a simple need...a most simple desire. To fly. To soar above all of this. To not only touch light, but embrace it and relish it with pure childlike joy and happiness. I saw the shear ecstatic exhilaration on his face when he finally gave in and held what he didn't know he desired most...and it brought tears to my eyes...and a much needed breath of relief. This simple scene made me realize that I have to stop watching life from above or below...stop living through the lives of others...start reaching towards my own light and soar. Soar.

Love...

The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, that makes us reach for more, that plants fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. - The Notebook

...

I keep...wondering...

Divinity...

It's been too long since I wrote. At least on here. I want to let you all know that I am well...well as one can be. I've been on an amazing journey of self. A journey to discover the divine within. I feel it's warmth...and it's soothing embrace. One within the balanced unity of the divine feminine and masculine. Only a few may know what I speak of. The Gnosis of self and true awakening from within.

So...within this journey, I have found a new direction with my art. And to put it simply...I am finding my beauty finally within my art.

This may be my last within a series of words of angels. I have seen a light towards a greater path...a more divine journey which will inspire new words and imagery as I venture deeper within. Enjoy and stay tuned.

I find myself
Fallen
To my knees
Draped only
In silence
Praying
For my angel
To come
Without words
Without regrets
Just open arms
To envelop
Within the warmth
And serenity
Of love eternal

© 2005 DVS

Changes...part 2

Ack...I told myself that I wouldn't use this journal for ramblings other than ones in artistic form. Change. It can truly be a wonderful thing at times. But sometimes when you are desperately seeking it to help bring you back into the light, you have to create it yourself.

A month back I was in a car accident that broke my car. But little did I know that this accident would be something good for me. It made me think about my life once again and do things that were always "not me".

So...within this change comes a new car (a midnight sparkly blue Vibe...yes, I said blue). Color has started to become important to me now. I've been using vivid red quite a bit recently within my photographic work. And within my home.

What other changes...new spiritual people in my life to help keep my focus. Quitting smoking. Working out again. Redecorating the house. A new job. Reviving my independant films. Started a new spiritual photo series. Yadda yadda yadda.

I still feel lost at times with a slight emptiness deep within, but I will always be okay. I know something truly amazing is coming to me. I feel it even deeper with. All it is is a matter of time.

I love...I hate...all within one amazing bundle of self.

New project!

Last week I had a very interesting night. Simply put: Two poet/photographers meeting. Years of written passions and pains. Collections of sensual photography. Combined works to tell a story. A story of a man, a chance meeting, desire, love, betrayal, despair, hope, dissapointment and self revelation.

It was quite interesting and fun as we laid down individual poems that reacted off the previous to tell a story. One by one, like a strange card game of someone's fate. The final result will be a book intermixing words and imagery from two minds walking different yet similar paths of the heart.

Now I just need to work on some new poetry-inspired photography. Fun!

...

Long...dramatic...pause...

Signs of Salvation...

Normally, I use this site to release my innermost emotions within prose as a sense of release. I must take a break from that for a moment.

Amazing. Just when you feel all in the world is about to fall into an unfathomable depth, someone comes into your life to show you the way to the beautiful gates of self salvation. Yes, self salvation. Not a salvation I've always searched within another, but one that I can find within myself...for myself...of myself.

Strange that lately I've been feeling something largely spiritual was coming my way. Something so astounding that it would change me eternally and beyond. Thus the recent poetic prose written in the form of , God, Heaven and angels. I always believed in "signs", but never had too much faith in them. But lately, they've been pushing themselves into view that I couldn't but stop and notice that something...someone has been guiding me. Guided me to touch again an old dark addiction to make me reach out to an old friend for guidance and then, over coffee, meet someone that would open my eyes for the first time and have everything make sense.

Now, I feel all the heavy burdens of self doubt, self loathing and pain has been moved aside by something so bright,that it could bring the night into day. Moved aside as I still have workto do, but I feel more alive than I have in many many years. To finally see the path to the serenity I have searched for. The serenity I deserve. I can taste true love...not for another for a change, but for once, for myself. I taste of it...and now that I see the path to fully consume it and become it.

Ack...I've dragged on this flourishing long enough. I'm just simply excited, full of hope and promise...and smiling. =)

And now, our regular scheduled program...(funny that I wrote this before this new enlightenment)...

----------------------------------------

A feel the approach
Of a new dawn
From the cleansing light
Of personal divination

The numbing pain
Of tired flesh
Will give way
To wings of new hope

To soon rise
Above self Purgatory
And soar towards
The embrace of Heaven

(c) 2004 Dvs

New ventures...revisited

Well, it's been a couple weeks of coming into the light, so to speak, and it's been...interesting. For the first time in too many years, I've had many moments to reflect upon my life. I've experienced new adventures (skydiving!). Involved new people in my life. Changed my social horizons. But overall, I now realize what I've always been missing...needing in my life...

Normalcy.

I now realize that I've spent way too many years rejecting the "normal" life. Living for what I thought fulfilled me. Thriving within the nightlife. Becoming part of the industry. Trying to create something big within the city as a means to somewhat give meaning to my life. And within this, I've lost what truly mattered in life. To find peace in the simplest things. To find comfort in normalcy.

I've now rediscovered long hidden passions within that used to fulfill me years ago. To simply create. To write. To compose music. To think freely and openly about anything and everything. And through this, I've also now realized the blessings that life had given me to merely get lost within the complications of my previous life. Once-in-a-lifetime gifts that I had foolishly let slip away. And I am saddened within this newfound peace.

Overall, I know I will be okay. I am learning from my mistakes and am working to create a better and more complete me. To uncomplicate myself. To take time to count the stars. To truly breathe in life and become what I once was years ago...An ever self-exploring artist that thrives to seek enrichment within the simple things in life.

New ventures?

After way too many years of seclusion within the second shift (afternoons) on my "real" job, I decided it is time for a change and I'm moving to dayshift. A change that is too long in coming perhaps, but it's high time for this night creature to experience the daylight and rejoin the living. I can't wait like a child waiting for Christmas as I can see the possiblities abound to finally have a healthy social and personal life all around. To visit galleries and museums. To see a movie. To go to dinners. To have coffeehouse chats. To work with other creative groups.

The future is looking really good.

=)

A rant...

Why is it so hard to be understood?

When sometime you expresss yourself poetically or artistically, other think you are too much?

All I am is a simple man of simple values.

I feel.

I express.

I release.

But then there are others that think you think too much.

I cannot help who I am.

I cannot help what I am.

A being filled with emotions and desires in hopes to find some salvation.

A being still holding onto a scant facade of feeling true happiness.

Of feeling at peace.

I'm tired of being misunderstood.

I'm tired of being looked at as complex.

I am simple.

I am human.

I feel.

Poetry...

The wonderful thing about the written word as it allows you to expel inner turmoils and those sometimes beautiful darkened emotions that plague us from moving on. After I wrote this, I felt a great weight lifted from within and I know I will become greater from the experience. Enjoy.

Denial

I didn't love you
I wasn't in love with you
I didn't cherish everything that was you
I wasn't inspired by your vibrant soul
I wasn't amazed by your timeless wisdom
I wasn't fascinated by your childlike curiosity
I wasn't uplifted by the winds of your spirit
I wasn't grounded by your loving embrace
I wasn't humbled by your physical beauty
I wasn't in awe of your inner beauty
I didn't fall deeply within your soulful eyes
I wasn't weakened by your tender kiss
I wasn't reborn within your every breath
I wasn't bound in ecstacy within your touch
I wasn't weakened by your ecstatic sighs
I didn't savour the taste of you
I didn't lose myself within the hours of passion
I wasn't proud of your scars on my flesh
I wasn't in peace within your satiated sleep
My heart didn't shatter when you said you loved someone else
My life didn't fade when you left me for him
I don't see your face within every crowd
I don't hear your voice within every breeze
I won't die without your love
I won't die without you
Because I wasn't in love with you
I didn't...
Love you

Copyright 2004 Dvs - All Rights Reserved

The creation...

and thus the beginning.